可以讓人笑整場的畢業典禮

奧斯卡主持人Ellen的幽默畢業演說

hank you, President Cowen, Mrs. President Cowen, distinguished guests, undistinguished guests (you know who you are), honored faculty, and creepy Spanish teacher. And thank you to all the graduating class of 2009. I realize most of you are hungover and have splitting headaches and haven't slept since Fat Tuesday, but you can't graduate until I finish, so listen up.
謝謝你，Cowen校長、Cowen校長太太、尊貴的來賓們、不尊貴的來賓們(你們知道自己身分吧)、尊敬的教職人員、和怪怪的西班牙文老師。還有感謝你們所有2009年的畢業班。我知道你們大多數都還在宿醉中，且頭痛欲裂，自肥膩星期二慶典(基督徒齋戒期前最後一個週二)以來都還沒睡覺，但你們在我演講結束之前都還不能畢業，所以好好聽著。

When I was asked to make the commencement speech, I immediately said yes. Then I went to look up what commencement meant...which would have been easy if I had a dictionary, but most of the books in our house are Portia's, and they're all written in Australian. So I had to break the word down myself to find out the meaning.
當我被邀請來做畢業演講時，我馬上就答應了。然後我跑去查「畢業」是什麼意思...如果我有本字典就會簡單多了，但我家裡大部分的書都是Portia(Ellen的妻子，澳洲人)的，它們全都是用澳洲語寫的。所以我必須自己拆開這個字來找出意思。

Commencement: common, and cement.Common cement. You commonly see cement on sidewalks. Sidewalks have cracks, and if you step on a crack, you break your mother's back. So there's that.
Commencement：common(常見的)、和cement(水泥)。常見的水泥。你經常在人行道上看到水泥。人行道上有裂痕，如果你踩到裂痕，你就會摔斷你媽媽的背(西洋古老迷信)。所以就是這樣。

But I'm honored that you've asked me here to speak at your common cement. I thought that you had to be a famous alumnus...alumini...aluminum...alumis, you had to graduate from this school.
但我很榮幸你們邀請我來到這裡在你們的常見水泥演講。我原本以為你必須要是個很出名的校友...小油...鋁(音似校友)...校遊，你必須要從這間學校畢業(才能來演講)。

I didn't go to college here, and I don't know if President Cowan knows, I didn't go to college at all. Any college! And I'm not saying you wasted your time or money, but look at me: I'm a huge celebrity. Although I did graduate from the School of Hard Knocks, our mascot was the knockers, I spent a lot of time here growing up.My mom worked at Newcomb and I would go there every time I needed to steal something out of her purse.
我沒在這上大學，我不曉得Cowan校長知不知道，我根本沒上過大學。任何大學!我不是說你們浪費了你們的時間或金錢，但看看我：我是個大咖名人。雖然我確實從「社會磨練大學」畢業，我們的吉祥物就是那些難關，我花了很多時間在這裡成長。我的母親在Newcomb工作，我在每次需要從她錢包偷些東西時會去那兒。

But why am I here today? Clearly not to steal, you're too far away and I'd never get away with it. I'm here because of you, because I can't think of a more tenacious, more courageous graduating class. I mean, look at you all wearing your robes. Usually when you're wearing a robe at 10 in the morning, it means you've given up.I'm here because I love New Orleans. I was born and raised here, I spent my formative years here, and like you, while I was living here, I only did laundry six times.
但我今天為什麼會在這裡？當然不是要來偷東西，你們坐太遠了，而我永遠無法僥倖逃跑。我在這是因為你們，因為我無法想到一群更堅韌、更有勇氣的畢業班。我是說，看看你們全都穿著你們的畢業袍。通常當你在早上十點還穿著睡袍時，就表示你已經放棄了。我在這是因為我愛紐奧良。我在這土生土長，我的性格形成時期是在這度過的，就像你們，當我住在這裡時，我只洗過六次衣服。

When I finished school, I was completely lost, and by school, I mean middle school, but I went ahead and finished high school anyway. I really...I had no ambition. I didn't know what I wanted to do. I did everything from...I shucked oysters, I was a hostess, I was a bartender, I was a waitress, I painted houses, I sold vacuum cleaners, I had no idea. And I thought I'd just finally settle in some job. And I would make enough money to pay my rent, maybe have basic cable, maybe not. I didn't really have a plan.
當我從學校畢業後，我完全迷失了，而當提到學校，我指的是國中，但我無論如何還是繼續下去並完成高中學業。我真的...我沒有抱負。我不知道要做什麼。我做過所有事，從...我撬過牡蠣、我當過接待員、我當過酒保、我當過服務生、我粉刷房子、我賣吸塵器，我一點想法都沒有。而我以為我最後就會在某個工作安頓下來。我會賺足夠的錢來支付我的房租，也許還能看基本的第四台、也許不行。我真的沒有計畫。

My point is that, by the time I was your age, I really thought I knew who I was, but I had no idea. Like, for example, when I was your age, I was dating men. So what I'm saying is, when you're older, most of you will be gay. Is anybody writing this stuff down? Parents?
我的重點是，當我在你們這年紀的時候，我真的以為我知道我是誰，但我其實不知道。像是，舉例來說，當我在你們這年紀時，我和男生交往。所以我要說的是，當你們年紀更大一些時，你們大部分都會變同性戀。有任何人抄下這東西嗎？爸爸媽媽？

Anyway, I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life, and the way I ended up on this path was from a very tragic event. I was maybe 19, and my girlfriend at the time was killed in a car accident. And I passed the accident, and I didn't know it was her and I kept going, and I found out shortly after that that it was her.
反正，我不知道我人生中想做什麼事，而我最後走上現在這條路是因為一件非常悲慘的事件。我那時也許十九歲，我當時的女友在一場車禍中喪生。我曾經過那場車禍，但我不知道那是她，我就繼續走，而我在那不久後就發現就是她。

And I was living in a basement apartment, I had no money, I had no heat, no air, I had a mattress on the floor, and the apartment was infested with fleas. And I was soul-searching. I was like, Why is she suddenly gone, and there are fleas here? I don't understand. There must be a purpose, and wouldn't it be so convenient if we could pick up the phone and call God and ask these questions.
我那時住在公寓的地下室，我沒有錢，我沒有暖氣、沒有空氣、我地上有一張床墊，那公寓有大批跳蚤出沒。我深深自我反省。我就想：「為什麼她突然就走了，然後這裡還有跳蚤？」我不了解，那一定有個目的，如果我們可以拿起電話並打給上帝問這些問題，不就方便多了嗎？

And I started writing, and what poured out of me was an imaginary conversation with God, which was one-sided. And I finished writing it, and I looked at it and I said to myself (and I hadn't even been doing stand-up, ever, there was no club in town). I said, "I'm gonna do this on the Tonight Show with Johnny Carson (at the time he was the king). And I'm gonna be the first woman in the history of the show to be called over to sit down."
我開始寫作，從我身上湧出的文思是和上帝的虛構對話，那對話是單方面的。我寫完它後，我看看它，然後我告訴我自己(那時我甚至還沒做過單口相聲，從來沒有，城裡沒有俱樂部)。我說：「我要和Johnny Carson(那時他是天王)在《今夜秀》上表演這個。我要成為這個節目史上第一個被叫去入座受訪的女人。」

And several years later, I was the first woman in the history of the show (and only woman in the history of the show) to sit down, because of that phone conversation with God that I wrote. And I started this path of stand-up, and it was successful and it was great, but it was hard,because I was trying to please everybody and I had this secret that I was keeping that I was gay.And I thought if people found out, they wouldn't like me, they would laugh at me.
幾年後，我成為那節目史上第一位入座受訪的女性(且是那節目史上唯一一位女性)，因為我寫的那些與上帝間的電話對話。我開始單口相聲這條路，而它很成功也很棒，但很艱難，因為我試著要取悅所有人，而我有這個我一直隱瞞著的我是同性戀的秘密。我想如果人們發現了，他們就不會喜歡我，他們會取笑我。

Then my career turned into...I got my own sitcom, and that was very successful, another level of success. And I thought, what if they find out I'm gay, then they'll never watch. This was a long time ago, you probably...this was when we just had white presidents, but anyway, this was back...many years ago!
接著我的事業演變成...我有了自己的情境喜劇，那非常成功，另一種等級的成功。而我想，如果他們發現我是同性戀，那麼他們就永遠不會看了。那是很久以前，你也許...這是當我們只有白人總統的時候，但無論如何，這是以前...許多年前的事!

And I finally decided that I was living with so much shame, and so much fear, that I just couldn't live that way anymore. And I decided to come out and make it creative, and my character would come out at the same time. And it wasn't to make a political statement, it wasn't to do anything other than to free myself up from this heaviness that I was carrying around. And I just wanted to be honest. And I thought, What's the worst that could happen? I can lose my career. I did.
然後我終於決定了我生活在這麼多羞愧感、這麼多的恐懼之下，因此我就是再也無法那樣子生活。我決定要出櫃，而且要讓它很有創意，我的角色會在同時出櫃。而這不是要做任何政治聲明，這不是要做任何除了將我自己從這個我一直背負的沉重感中釋放以外的事。我就是想要誠實以對。我想：「最糟糕的事會是什麼？我可能會失業。」我失業了。

I lost my career. The show was cancelled after six years, without even telling me. I read it in the paper. The phone didn't ring for three years. I had no offers. Nobody wanted to touch me at all. Yet, I was getting letters from kids that almost committed suicide but didn't because of what I did.
我失業了。在播出六年後那節目被停掉了，甚至沒有告知我。我在報紙上讀到的。電話有三年沒響過。我沒有工作邀約。沒有任何人想要接觸我。然而，我那時收到幾乎就要自殺、但因為我所做的事而沒有自殺的孩子的來信。

And I realized that I had a purpose. And it wasn't just about me and it wasn't about celebrity, but I felt like I was being punished, and it was a bad time. I was angry, I was sad, and then I was offered a talk show. And the people that offered me the talkshow tried to sell it, and most stations didn't want to pick it up. Most people didn't want to buy it because they thought nobody would watch me.
然後我明白了我有個目的。那不只是為了我、不是為了名人，但我覺得我好像被處罰了，而那是段糟糕的時期。我憤怒、難過，然後我被邀請去主持脫口秀。邀請我去主持脫口秀的人試著要推銷它，而大部分的電視台並不想接手。大部分的人不想買單，因為他們覺得沒人會想看我。

Really when I look back on it, I wouldn't change a thing. I mean, it was so important for me to lose everything because I found out what the most important thing is, is to be true to yourself.Ultimately, that's what's gotten me to this place.I don't live in fear, I'm free, I have no secrets. and I know I'll always be ok, because no matter what, I know who I am.
真的當我回顧那時光，我不會改變任何一件事。我是說，失去一切對我來說非常重要，因為我發現最重要的事情是，是對自己誠實。最後，那是將我帶到此地的事情。我沒有生活在恐懼之下、我是自由的、我沒有秘密，我知道我永遠都會好好的，因為無論如何，我知道我是誰。

So in conclusion, when I was younger, I thought success was something different. I thought when I grow up, I want to be famous. I wanna be a star. I wanna be in movies. When I grow up, I wanna see the world, drive nice cars, I wanna have groupies. To quote the Pussycat Dolls, how many people thought it was "boobies," by the way? It's not, it's "groupies." But my idea of success is different today. And as you grow, you'll realize the definition of success changes.
所以總之，當我年輕一些的時候，我以為成功是某件不同的事。我想當我長大後，我想要變得出名。我想要變明星。我想要演電影。當我長大後，我想要看看世界、開好車、我想要有粉絲群(註一)。引用樂團小野貓的歌詞，對了，有多少人覺得那聽起來是「奶奶」？那不是，那是「粉絲(groupie音近boobies)」但我今天對成功的概念不一樣了。隨著你成長，你會發現成功的定義改變了。

For many of you, today, success is being able to hold down 20 shots of tequila. For me, the most important thing in your life is to live your life with integrity, and not to give in to peer pressure to try to be something that you're not, to live your life as an honest and compassionate person, to contribute in some way.
對你們許多人來說，在今天，成功是能夠撐過20杯龍舌蘭酒。對我來說，你的人生中最重要的事就是帶著尊嚴過你的生活，不要屈服於同儕壓力試著成為你不是的那種人、當一個誠實、有憐憫心的人來度過你的人生、在某些方面做出貢獻。

So to conclude my conclusion: follow your passion, stay true to yourself. Never follow anyone else's path, unless you're in the woods and you're lost and you see a path, and by all means you should follow that. Don't give advice. It will come back and bite you in the ass. Don't take anyone's advice. So my advice to you is to be true to yourself and everything will be fine.
所以為我的結論下結論：跟隨你的熱情、對你自己誠實。永遠不要跟隨任何其他人的道路，除非你在森林裡、你迷路了、然後你看到一條路，那你務必要沿著那走。別給予建議。它會回來狠咬你的屁屁。不要接受任何人的建議。所以我要給你們的建議是對自己誠實，那一切都會好好的。

And I know that a lot of you are concerned about your future, but there's no need to worry.The economy is booming, the job market is wide open, the planet is just fine. It's gonna be great. You've already survived a hurricane. What else can happen to you?
我知道你們很多人都擔心你的的未來，但不需要擔心。經濟正在繁榮發展、工作市場門戶大開、地球好得很。它會很棒的。你們已經從一個颶風(卡崔娜)中存活下來了。還有什麼可以發生在你們身上的？

And as I mentioned before, some of the most devastating things that happen to you will teach you the most. And now you know the right questions to ask for your first job interview, like, "Is it above sea level?"
如同我先前提到的，有些發生在你身上最悲慘的事情會教你最多東西。現在你知道你第一份工作面試要問的正確問題是，像是，「它高於海平面嗎？」

So to conclude my conclusion that I've previously concluded in the common cement speech, I guess what I'm trying to say is life is like one big Mardi Gras. But instead of showing your boobs, show people your brain, and if they like what they see, you'll have more beads than you know what to do with. And you'll be drunk, most of the time.
所以為我先前在常見水泥演講作結的結論來下結論，我猜我試著要說的是：人生就像一場盛大的油膩星期二盛會。但不要秀出你的胸部，向人們展示你的頭腦，如果他們喜歡他們所見，你就會獲得更多珠子(註二)多到你不知該那來做什麼好。你們會醉醺醺的，大多數時候。

So the Katrina class of 2009, I say congratulations, and if you don't remember a thing I said today, remember this: You're gonna be ok, dum di du du dum. Just dance.
所以經過卡崔娜颶風侵襲的2009年畢業班，我說：「恭喜」，如果你們不記得我今天說的任何一件事，只要記得這個：你們會好好的，噹滴嘟嘟噹。就跳舞吧(註三)。

註一：出自女子樂團 Pussycat Dolls 的歌曲〈When I Grow Up〉。

註二：在紐奧良州的Mardi Gras(油膩星期二)這個慶典上，有一部分的慶祝活動是向群眾丟出一串串的塑膠珠子，帶有護身符的概念。

註三：出自 Lady Gaga 的歌曲〈Just Dance〉。